So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You're a waste of cheezeits
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
