I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
