i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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