So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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