So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
