so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
