this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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