It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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