My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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