oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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