were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
