i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
