I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
