No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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