Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
