Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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