Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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