We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Your cock deserves a montage
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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