ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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