I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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