He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
