I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
