Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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