I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
