i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Randomize
