but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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