i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
