I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
