the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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