remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
