My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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