boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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