let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Let's get the cat blown out
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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