I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize