This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
