I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
