Will you blow on my dice?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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