I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
