i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
