I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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