the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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