My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
