I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You left your underwear on the fireplace
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
