is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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