So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
