If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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