paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
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