Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
