I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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