My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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