Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
