i think i have two assholes
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
