then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
