if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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