I looked at my own cervix.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The Olympian is in my bed
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