I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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