I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
