8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
