why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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