It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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