You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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