I feel great
I just peed on a car
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
