I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
