So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
