i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
