highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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