you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
