Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
