Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize