Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Randomize
